Xanax - because they won't let me drink at work.

Before we get serious I need to see how you load the dishwasher.

I hate those awkward moments when there's nothing to talk about and neither of you are drunk enough to fuck yet.

On Facebook you become an outcast if you post when you're drunk. On Twitter you become a star.

If I'm mad enough to be calm. You're fucked.

I bet they make you roll up sleeping bags in hell.

Blow jobs are like dog treats foy guys. We can be trained to do anything.

Twitter has perverted my brain to the point that it's hard to have a normal conversation.

Alcohol. Because sometimes life doesn't go like its supposed to.

Jesus loves you but the rest of us think you're an asshole.

The secret to a happy marriage is realizing that every woman is a bitch. You just need to find one you can tolerate.

They say Twitter is more addicting than alcohol or cigarettes. Good thing we can use both while doing it.

I'm going to commit twittercide and post memorial tweets under my new account. I was such a great guy.

Ladies of Twitter: I'm in love with a few of you, infatuated with several, and frightened by many. But I love you all.

Someday I'll be retweeted. Until then I'll consider my tweets a fine single malt scotch.

If you have to ask why I have an inflatable raft in the bedroom then you don't get to ride in it. And give me the hat back.

I told the girl sitting at the bar that I'm glad she's married so I don't have to hit on her. I'm tired.

All the avis move if you stare long enough.

I'm sad that my kids are growing up. I really miss smuggling booze in baby bottles to all the events.

Get an extra day. Lose an hour. Who the fuck is in charge around here?!