When we broke up she said, "I always faked it".

Haha, can't fake crazy, I knew the whole time stupid.

Can't sleep? Count gay sheep. You may not sleep, but It's funny watching them bitch about wearing the same outfit.

There's no happiness in this Happy Meal.

What other lies are they feeding us?

The clitoris has a hood. A FUCKING HOOD. No wonder I can't find the fella, little ninja.

In the war on drugs, I surrender. Take me to your dealer.

I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

The last time I had sex it was in black and white.

I'm so drunk right now, I'm having to close
one eye to write this. I could be Forest
Whittaker's stunt eye.

At Muslim school we spent a lot of time throwing paper aeroplanes at walls.

My flamethrower brings all the cops to the yard and they're like, 'PUT DOWN the LIGHTER and the can of DEODERANT, OMAR.'

There's so much rain in Scotland that nobody has ever been dry-humped.

Most men like fish, some men like chocolate.

That's how I'm explaining homosexuality from now on.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing fat people they have an over active thyroid.

I'm so lonely I can't cast a shadow.

You know that new born baby smell? Smells like a broken condom to me.

When writing a rhetorical question do you still end with a question mark

When in work I like to pretend I'm a wizard and cast spells on bitches who don't return my motherfucking stapler.

I just did my first subtweet, using a retweet. And now my heads going to fall off.

Bowser was only holding the princess hostage till Mario finished off the plumbing in his castle.

Anyone else notice that the US Presidential election is between a cat named Mittens Romney, and a dogg named Bark Obama.