At McDonalds watching a fat kid get diabetes.

I have the ability to get a song stuck in anyone's head and I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over.

Now that I'm now "Twitter Elite" with over 100 followers, do I start unfollowing now?

Its Take your Twitter account to work day. Again.

If she shaves it and you aint gettin it. Someone else is...

If my gps in my car can sound like Yoda, why can't they hook Stephen Hawking up with a cooler voice?

I'm gonna blow you till you cant even stand straight.--- Wind

Totally killing Kids Week on Jeopardy.

Want a sure fire way to get out of work early? Shit your pants. What are they gonna do, make you work in shitty pants.

I'm heading Chicago in 3 hours. I need to know if I can or cannot bring these snakes on the plane?

Favourite is the metric equivalent of favorite right?

Where does a 36 year old man find shirts that dont have stars or dragons on them? Please dont say Walmart.

Just did the math, by 2018 I should have 100 followers. Eat my shit, bucket list!

Until I smelled her, I couldn't tell if she was 'New wave hippie' or just poor.

Sorry guys I have to sign off of twitter now cuz my mom needs to make a phone call. Fucking AOL

You know you've made it when you own 4 crock pot's.

You mean to tell me everyone on Twitter are Canadians?

My claim to fame: I was the guy calling Gwen Stefani when she walked into a spider web.

Am I a sicko cuz I prefer baby spinach over adult spinach?

Gonna pop some baby aspirin and watch the first season of P90X.