Biden gets criticized for smiling. Obama gets criticized for frowning. Nobody gets criticized for lying. The media: SHAPING OUR WORLD

My girlfriend said I make her feel invisible. I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

If you’re happy and you know it, what the fuck? This is Anger Management, get out.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

Don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I was trying to eplain the whole dynamics of Twitter and Favstar to my grandparents who are now convinced that I'm gay and in prison.

People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Look, I’m not going to lie to you. Wait, that’s not true; that’s a lie, already. Sorry, everything’s a lie I guess. You look pretty though.

Sometimes a guy will say he’s “fine” when in fact he’s actually fine.

I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to move so I can see the television.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Me: Hey babe, what say we slam some shooters and bone seven ways to Sunday? Her: This is 911. Is this an emergency? Me: Sorta.

“Normal people” are the most fucked up people you will ever meet.

A movie about my life would look a lot like some guy in a parking lot looking for his car.

I seized the day once. What a fiasco.

Did you ever have sex so good you had to wake up from your dream and tell your cats?