Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

My son has a fever and keeps waking up... I whisper, "Shhh, it's ok... This is what happens when you don't clean you room." It works.

The best things in life are free: love... sex... seeing an uptight prick drop his iPad and squeal like a school girl.

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

The guys are heading over to a strip club but I decided to stay home because I find it degrading to pay $8.50 for a bottle of beer.

I think I would be in less trouble if my wife saw me throw a kitten in to a wood chipper than if she found my Twitter account.

Dear Best Buy, I will stop shoplifting printer ink when it costs less than weapons-grade plutonium. Thank you for your understanding.

You know you are drunk when you try to kiss Rihanna’s forehead and miss.

Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last tweet. Because, you know... weed and Sudoku.

I prefer marriage to dating, because I no longer have to sit through romantic comedies featuring Hugh Grant before not getting laid.

Currently using my daughter's iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page.

Hell hath no fury like a woman finding your porn.

I have read your tweets... Women, if you really need to get laid: Go outside and carry a red balloon! (Guys look for red balloons!) Retweet!

You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

I accidentally choked on popcorn when my daughter's yoga instructor showed backbends, and now I have to wait outside with the creepy dads.

Starring your own tweet is the new, "Mommy and Daddy, come see what I did in the potty!" I know... It’s adorable.

Windows 7 was not my idea. My idea was to give David Hasselhoff the cheese burger.

I wonder what the Olsen twins didn't eat for breakfast this morning?