"I'm gonna be straight with you, I don't really care if Bambi makes it out of that fire." - Me to my little cousin during movie time

Fun way to spice up the holidays: Tell super-religious and conservative grandma that Jesus was an Arab. Sit back & watch the fireworks.

When is Sonic gonna stop with all the ads and release this totally sick Kony everyone's been talking about?

Some old lady left her cat a $13 million fortune. For that much money I'll meow & shit in a box. Actually, I might do that for free.

I'm strongly considering turning my home into a series of massive blanket tents.

If Herman Cain becomes President, when do we go to nationwide 9 pizzas for $9 for 9 days every month? #999Plan

Unless you're giving up midget transvestite amputee farming for Lent, it's not interesting.

I make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker a lot, but I'm gonna let up a little, because it can't be much longer before they make her into glue.

I'm starting a support group with @callmekare for those of us who have seen the Tori Spelling Boob-gate pics. You're not alone anymore.

Tori Spelling's boobs have hit the internet. The free world has responded with mass rioting and a series of spontaneous seizures.

Hey asshats that run Wal-Mart, if you start your Black Friday deals at 10 pm on Thursday, it ceases to be Black "Friday".

@crouchenpuma please don't call Oklahoma the midwest. I prefer 'flattest, shittiest piece of dirt excepting Nebraska'

A dog can pee on another dog if it gets out of line, but if I do that I'm a "sex offender"

Hey, did you guys see they're making a movie about Khloe Kardashian? It's called "The Thing".

Happy National Taco Day, insert generic vagina joke here.

"Well I guess I can use the hammer, but I still don't see how those hearts are gonna fit up there." #CapCon

Thanks to @rawpops, I instinctively dim my computer screen and look around me whenever I click on a Twitter pic link.

We need to stop this Kony madness. I love New York style hot dogs too, but not enough to fight a war over it.

"He only had sex. What does he want to do, make a memory book or something?" - @rawpops

No matter what you say, if you start with ”Collipark, Bubba Sparx,” you have my undivided attention.