My exercise bike gets the same amount of use as Susan Boyle's rape whistle.

I like getting stars, because in Mario terms, that makes me invincible

Girlfriend - "There's a new Smurfs film out wanna see it?"

Me - "I'd rather play spin the bottle with the baddies from The Hills Have Eyes"

When someone on Facebook writes "I need a cuddle", what they're really saying is "I haven't had cock in ages"

You can tell weed's stronger these days, every time I smoke on my own, I get paranoid that ghosts are staring at me

So that's the answer, if you want to stop a zombie apocalypse just decide to walk to Wales. #apocalypse #derrenbrown

If you want someone to wash their car don't write "clean me", that never works. Instead write "I know where Madeline McCann is" that works

I've got a feeling Ryan Dunn's funeral isn't going to go well; if Johnny Knoxville throws Weeman on top of the coffin

@chelsfergo that wart on that bald guys head looks sore

New #twoodle of @iamchrisramsey this is the finished digital drawing http://t.co/y8RoY7aV

The Jason Statham Film Checklist

Punch someone

Shoot someone

Drive a car fast

Save/have sex with a girl

Wrap film

Cash cheque

The only reason women don't believe that men can multitask is because they've never seen us reading a shampoo bottle while taking a shit

New Game Idea - Call of Duty - Modern Welfare. It's basically the same but you shoot people that have appeared on Jeremy Kyle

I'm making a vodka called "Responsibly" that way every other Alcohol company tells you to drink my brand when they advertise

When someone says "my prayers are with you" to an atheist; it basically has the same effect as farting on someone for good luck

#ThisCouldBeTheLongestTrendInTheWorldButWhoGivesAFuckItWontGetARetweetAnywayI'mGoingToMyRoomToSulkNowYouInconsiderateBastardsGoodbyeToYouAll

I masturbated that much I went all the way past blind and can now see through time and space.

Fact of the day Dragon's Den got it's name because it wasn't allowed to be called Arrogant Rich Cunt's Attic.

@justinmoorhouse #iPhonenotes http://t.co/oiRaAG7Z

As requested my newest #twoodle of @steevasaurus http://t.co/q2G9hRHE