@Brain_Wash's (Sociopathetic) most faved Tweets...
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
At least, that's what the restraining order says.
At least, that's what the restraining order says.
Never had a MySpace. Never had a FaceBook. Twitter is my first and only. I feel like a virgin who went straight to anal.
At first, I was afraid. I was petrified.
Thinking I could never live without you by my side.
Then, I upped my meds and fucked your sister.
Thinking I could never live without you by my side.
Then, I upped my meds and fucked your sister.
Sometimes, I miss doing drugs. It's sad to think that the next time I get that "I can't feel my face" feeling, I'll be having a stroke.
While we were dating, my ex enticed me by saying she liked sucking. Only later did I find out that she meant souls.
Lady Gaga canceled four shows due to dizziness and shortness of breath. I fully understand! Last time I sat on my nuts, I almost passed out.
I used to call these my lucky underwear. Then I realized that, if they were so god damn lucky, I wouldn't be wearing them.
My brat nephew just spilled the lemon pepper down his mother's ample cleavage.
It took all I had not to yell, "Spice rack!"
It took all I had not to yell, "Spice rack!"
iTunes just celebrated their billionth downloader. Upon hearing this, the porn industry said, "Hahahaha. That's SO cute!"
Dear Satan, I miss you, too. But having short skirt/no panties girl drop that bacon in the cold beer aisle was just cruel. Call me! Love, BW
"Star it THIS way." "DON'T make jokes about that thing." "Use THAT button THIS way." It's official, Twitter has become my ex-wife.
No, stupid football announcer, it's not a 'mute' point. It's a 'moot' point. Mute is what I just did.
If I mention my age, my job, and my kid in the same conversation, I might as well add, "Pussy deflector shield engaged, Captain!"
Two male cats outside yowling. My female cat is scratching to get out. I'm calling this "teenage daughter preview".
Where's my fucking gun?
Where's my fucking gun?
The hardest thing in life is watching someone you love, love someone else. The easiest is watching them open the soda can you just shook up.
I hear that it's bad to star yourself. If I've learned anything from marriage, it's that if I don't pump my own shit, it will go unpumped.
I heard my Corolla might accelerate uncontrollably at any time. So, I'm cruising around Ann Coulter's neighborhood with my fingers crossed.
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