If you don't support new and funny tweeters because of their follower count. Fuck you.

Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Orgasms are like slot machines. For men you just gotta pull the handle. But for women it takes a lotta luck and shitload of quarters.

I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Sad to say at this point in life my nest egg would barely make a shitty omelette.

If I hold a chick's hair for her when she goes down on me it's either because I really like her or I can't see the tv.

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

No thanks ancestry.com. I don't need to look up my family tree to know I'm the branch that got cut off.

I like my tweets with a side of regret and insecurity.

Many people say they don’t tweet for stars. Me neither. I tweet for cotton candy and blow-jobs and I’m not stopping till I get me some.

Trust me. There are no winners on twitter. Just survivors.

Feel bad about eating my nephew's gingerbread house while he slept. But I was high and he needed to learn that when you snooze you lose.

I'm never more animal-like than when I'm pissing off my deck at night and my neighbor's porch light comes on.

Safe sex for me has always been to make sure her boyfriend was out of town.

Not to brag but I know I'm awesome in bed. Cause everytime I finish my girlfriend always begs me to keep going.

Don’t care if you shave it, wax it, landing strip it or bush it out. For me it’s what’s inside that counts.

When having sex. I make her feel like she's the only woman in the world. Cause what are the chances another one shows up for a threesome?

When a girl runs her fingers through her hair it means she likes you. But now that most girls shave down there it's really hard to tell.

Today I took a long hard look in the mirror and realized I'm gonna need to buy some more cocaine.

I'm quitting smoking by only smoking half of each cigarette. Seems to be working but it's very expensive buying four packs a day.