Had a 5 hr energy. Then ate a cinnamon pretzel w/ butter cream sauce. Anyone want to dig a tunnel?! Build a rocketship?! Let's ride bikes!

Holy shit. Am I the last person to realize that Nemo spelled backwards is Omen? Fuck me. That little fish seemed so pure and innocent.

Microwave cooking question: When the food bursts into flame, it's done, right?

Schedule another lunchtime meeting and see if I don't throw piping hot pizza cheese at your face.

I'll cut a bitch with this breadstick.

Was trying to make this meeting more exciting by imagining all attendees in a porn scene....but they're all too ugly.

Shit. It's time to renew the dog's license and I know she hasn't been studying. I better write the answers on her little paw.

If I get my hands on one of these little prick mosquitos, I'm gonna skull fuck it with a toothpick until it dies a slow death.

This album of nature sounds is fucked up: tree falling on someone, fox catching a rabbit, person drowning in stream, deer getting shot. WTF

"Ticks don't fly or jump. They climb to the ends of grass n wait w/ front legs extended until they can grab onto a host." Like a Kardashian.

I don't mess around with slowpokes in revolving doors. I will spin your ass right onto the sidewalk.

To the people standing in line outside of the Verizon store......it's a phone, not a free pot of gold.

Used "time's a-wastin" in an email. Now I have to throw myself in front of a bus.

Not a moving bus. How fuckin' stupid do u think I am?

I think it's perfectly fine to pay the cleaning lady a little more to give your husband a blow job every week. Win-win.

Hate it when admin assistants don't know the 1st fucking thing about using the Outlook calendar. Now we know ur sleeping w/ ur boss, whore.

Once the Internet finally renders newspapers obsolete, where the fuck are puppies gonna pee?

Math question: If I drink two 5 Hour Energy drinks at the same time, does that equal 10 hours of energy or double energy for 5 hours?

I cut my thumb with a staple, but with the amount of blood and the way I'm carrying on, you would think I blew my hand off with a canon.

Tell me again what I do w/ these kids I collected last night. Already ate all their candy. Do I let them go? A few of them r real crybabies.

All these stupid women at the hair salon r gushing over the Kardashian wedding. I'm going to fuse their lips shut with curling irons.

Teen girl I just passed: U might b confusing gum w/ cum. Ok for cum to seep thru ur teeth n over ur lip a little bit. W/ gum, ur just a pig.