People laugh at me when I say that I'm a player. Then I pull out my Nintendo DS out of my fanny pack and they stop laughing.

My girlfriend reported me as a stalker.

Well, actually, she is not quite my girlfriend yet.

When any of my tweets gets zero stars, I delete it and post it again at 3 am. It's my way of asking the Australians for a second opinion.

Every time you hear "It's not what it looks like" from somebody, trust me, it is exactly what it looks like.

Dr. Conrad Murray sentenced to 4 years. Casey Anthony acquitted. The lesson as always: Be white.

Sometimes I don't even understand your tweet. But if 20 people starred it, who am I to argue with peer pressure?

Love is not blind; just delusional, incoherent, illogical and stupid. In other words, blind would actually be an upgrade.

When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at work, you're obviously a hero.

I see you, tweeter who star your own tweets. We met in a different life. You used to "like" your own status updates.

The way I rationalize my tweet not getting any stars: "It was too clever. Dumbasses didn't get it."

Don't regret the mistakes you've made. Regret the lessons you've failed to learn.

You'd be surprised if you knew how often I read a tweet and say to myself: "that's funny" and star it without even smiling.

Yeah, confidence sure is sexy...
Unless you're ugly. Then it's just creepy.

Sometimes a man just has to pee sitting down. Like when you're playing Angry Birds.

I'm on my 'A' game today. The 'A' is for average.

I know I don't say this often but you all are the best friends I don't really have... and I'm not even drunk.

Never complain about losing followers. If everybody liked you, you would be the president. Ok, maybe that's not the best example, but still.

Just like everyone else's, my Instagram isn't working, so now I can stop walking around my own neighborhood looking like an asian tourist.

I say Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays, because I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Sometimes you need a little road rage to feel alive in the morning.