"If it weren't for guns, that football player wouldn't have killed his wife." – Bob Costas, former co-worker of OJ Simpson

Nothing screams "I have my shit together!" like the whole office hearing you drop 12 consecutive nickels into the soda machine.

Updated deplorable human rankings: 1.) Murderers 2.) Child molesters 3.) People who don't say "thank you" when you hold the door 4.) Hitler

If you refer to any part of your home as your "man-cave", I secretly hope you get raped to death in it by a man-bear.

Hey jerks, before tweeting some flippant joke about AIDS, stop & ask youself: "Would this be funnier if I added 'full-blown' ?" Yes. Always.

There's a big part of me that thinks 2012 Dave Grohl would totally fight that baby for the dollar on the fishhook. #Grammys

When I hear you pronounce it "dudn't" rather than "doesn't" I secretly hope you and your entire jug band perish in a fiery mule accident.

"Government being in charge of my healthcare? Meh. Instagram being in charge of my photos? NEVER! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" – America

"Crows before hoes" – Edgar Allen Bro

What's the difference between a Valentine's Day marriage proposal & a girl who points out punctuation errors in tweets? One's a cupid stunt…

It's only once you've seen a framed picture in your shrink's office of him with Chris Angel that the pieces really start falling into place.

You forget how old Friends is until you see them use a cordless phone that looks like it was once used to radio-in air strikes on Saipan.

Yes! Funding options for my start-up are down to either a Vegas bigwig or some Vietnamese investors. Its basically a Wynn-Nguyen situation.

TMZ retracting reports of Bruce Willis spotted with horse-woman hybrid. Turned out to just be an ugly Rumer.

Hard to believe it's already been a year since Junior Seau gave love a bad name.

Not since "Blossom" auditions has one location seen as many sixes as this bar.

You guys are so caught up in Chris Columbus' "massacre of native peoples". Lets not forget that monster also directed "Mrs. Doubtfire."

When a girl refers to another girl as her "partner in crime" she just means they've agreed to not call each other out on their sluttiness.

@spergers hey i just met you / and this is crazy / I'll be your pancreatic cancer / and U be Swayze *jumps off your coattails into traffic*

Pretty much my only criteria for buying sunglasses is "Would these scare the shit out of Sarah Connor?"