Not to brag, but if a bomb hit this Walmart right now, my body might be the only one identified. I have dental records.

My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.

I see debt people.

Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks.

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth. She's down to the final 4.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

CNN is reporting Boston bombing suspect is now dating Manti Te'o.

The Kardashians are more fun if you think of them as a petting zoo for black athletes.

Drove by one of those Tea Party rallies. Looked like a Walmart without the building.

Feeling a lot of pressure to only live once.

I'm no doctor, but some of the women I saw in Walmart have a very bad case of babies.

Painful truth: If you tell friends about something cool you did on Twitter, to them it sounds like "This one time at band camp..."

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That's how I troll.

In the South, any time you wander too close to a river you're in danger of being baptized.

Steve Buscemi is proof that Don Knotts banged a cat.

One thing led to another and now I'm in a hotel room with the TSA screener having a cigarette and discussing daddy issues.

I'm white but I'm not Betty white.