Favstar wird sogar noch besser, wenn du dich anmeldest.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except cheese burgers. And ice cream. Oh, and waffles, definitely waffles. Don't forget Bacon too.
To impress a girl, I cook her some eggs. It displays my culinary skills and when I flinch at the spattering pan, it shows my vulnerability.
If porn was more realistic, it would be 30 minutes of a guy doing the dishes, a 20 minute back rub and then 5 minutes of sex.
I'm at my least witty when attempting to write a message in a co-worker's Birthday card.
Yesterday I went sailing with my 2 dogs who were both wearing life jackets. I have never felt more white or middle class.
Well excuse me for having a deeply flawed personality and being unwilling to work on it!
You call it stalking, I call it research.
As it turns out, explaining the plot of Inception to girls is not the panty-dropper I expected it to be.
Everything tastes better with cheese, unless of course, you're eating a bag of dicks.
Just asked my gf if she wanted to hit this and BAM! She punched me in the cock.
Pretty sure that when I go to work, my dog thinks I spend all day playing frisbee over the park without him :(
Bonus features? More like boner features OMG I AM SO WITTY!
I wish there were more things in life that make me as happy as guacamole does.
My dog's affection for me is directly proportional to the amount of cheddar cheese I drop on the floor.
My work blocked Twitter, so I've resorted to writing jokes on post-it notes and sticking them around the office.
I've spent the last hour trying to word a psychopath / cycle path joke & this is the result. Fuck this tweet.
If I'm so lazy, how come I built this awesome pillow fort? No it is not just my bed. Fuck you, you are banished from the fort! #CLSC
Any time I'm in the vicinity of a swimming pool inlet hole, I remember 'Guts' by Chuck Palahniuk and move the fuck away.
Do one thing everyday that scares you like conversing with humans or getting out of bed.
Today I caused a kitchen fire, sneezed in a client's face and mowed down a cyclist but my hair looked amazing so all in all a good day
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