Great..... My book ran out of batteries. Stupid future.

Sitting in a mall parking lot with my reverse lights on while watching people go absolutely bat-shit insane... Merry Christmas!

Taking "elevated" pics with your cell in order to show off your tits doesn't make you look cute, it makes you look like a desperate whore.

Just completed my first 10k run... Just kidding, I'm eating a Pop-Tart.

Ten bucks says the first gay Transformer morphs into a Prius.

Due to the Occupy the North Pole movement, Santa won't be coming this year kids... Sorry.

It would be wise to take everything I say with a grain of salt, some lime, and a splash of Tequila.

I just microwaved my cell phone and tried to send a text message using a Hot Pocket... I'm never drinking again.

Need a day off? Logic found in Kindergarten, can also be used in the workplace: If you shit your pants, they send you home. Thank me later.

So who do I have to kill for some RT's or stars....? I'm totally not sucking any of your dicks.

They purposely use doorbell sounds in commercials so my dog will do a kick-flip-jump off of my junk on her way to the door to bark at nobody

Why does anyone require more proof that John Travolta is gay?! Haven't they ever seen Grease?! 'Nuff said.

"... and I could have saved Whitney Houston, too." - Mark Wahlberg

You know you're broke when finding money in the laundry is your equivalent to winning the lottery.

Putting out the blow-up Easter Bunny on the lawn to screw with all the assholes putting Christmas lights up early...

They've got multiple TV shows about rehabilitating hoarders yet I haven't seen a single episode featuring the Duggar's yet... What gives?

The best thing about the Yahoo! Clinton's Birthday concert is getting to see old white people getting down to Usher. Fuck, I can't unsee it.

Excuse me, Ma'am. Does this rag smell like chloroform? #badconversationstarters

Saw an old man in a wheelchair scream "FUCK YOU" to a shopping cart rolling thru a parking lot. Dont really need to see anything else today.

Techno is the theme music to dying alone.