BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake account mocking the oil company. Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.

I saw a car hit this parked car in front of me and drive away, so I put a note on the parked car saying 'God hates you.'

I recorded my baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep to see how he likes it.

I love correcting people who correct people. Frankenstein WAS the monster. The creature he created was innocent and sought human kindness.

Okay, the movie is starting and everyone is screaming at some asshole using a bright iPhone. I will let you know when I find out who it is.

I accidentally hit a bunch of kids dressed as zombies with my car. The second time was just to be safe.

Calm down, rich people. They are going to make more iPhone 4's than there are rich people. You don't need it on the first day.

Can we start calling them the religious wrong? Because I think the other way is confusing them.

If you hold a SUV up to your ear, you can almost hear the sound of the ocean screaming.

I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

Now the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are legally a person with rights, there are a lot of rape charges I'm filing against them.

I wonder how many 'suicide bombers' were just uncontrollably accelerating toward an Iraqi checkpoint in a Toyota.

I am one beer away from another beer.

When I see a really beatiful woman, sometimes I think to myself, "I want to listen to her bitch about stuff FOREVER."

I just got off the phone with my mom and at least half of you people are liars.

The Confederate Army sure is angry about Health Care Reform.

To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

I haven't decided on a baby name, but I do know that it will be at least 8 characters long with at least 2 numbers and 1 special character.

I've had it up to here with turtleneck sweaters.

Your cellphone battery is the new Tamagotchi pet.