I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Absolutely love holding my son, I can’t stop looking at him. Whoops! This is a churro. It’s just a churro.

Today's Agenda: 1) Get my motor runnin' 2) Head out on the highway 3) Look for adventure 4) Grab a churro at Costco.

Someday our children will ask us how we stood idle and did nothing while John Mayer released single after single.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Have you ever tried playing Monopoly with your spouse? They may as well call it "Divorce in a Box".

The elderly, walking adjacent to one another, can block a pathway of any conceivable width.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history.

My son turns 11 tomorrow. I will be by the door waiting patiently for his Hogwarts letter.

Evil is easy. Humane is hard.

How anyone can get through a single day without a dog by their side is beyond me.

If you love the Kraken, release it.

Is there a medical reason why people wear sports jerseys in public?

When your daughter proudly tells you she completed her first novel, saying "Cool it, nerd" is just good parenting.

When life gives you lemons, it's protecting you from scurvy.

Hard to argue pic.twitter.com/80CCCsGm

People without Twitter accounts, did you have a normal childhood or something?

You’ll never know true misery until you look an elderly fast-food employee directly in the eye.

Death is often a good career move if you're a poet.