Why am I the proudest father ever? My daughter is determined to prove Mermaids exist, yet she thinks the idea of Heaven is ridiculous.

Sometimes when I'm stoned I like to pretend I'm the pig that lives under Fred Flintstones sink.

8 y old asked what a coincidence was and I told her it's when you pray for something and you get it.

Before twitter, I needed two hands to use the urinal.

I need to fix my poop schedule back to during work hours. I hate shitting for free.

All women taller than me are lesbians. No exceptions.

Hey, today is like some other day of the week for me. I thought that would interest everyone. Ill post pics of my lunch later.

I'm over facebook. You guys are way less annoying. Plus, I can say cunt licker : )

Thanks to daylight savings time, I just lasted a full 63 minutes.

If youve never spent an entire day downloading a Nirvana song on your 56k modem, then your young and I hate you.

Why dont they just make the doors of fast food restaurants too skinny for fat people. Lose some weight and then you can have an apple pie

"If you're wearing a condom and all of a sudden it feels really good, PULL THE FUCK OUT!" -future me to 19yr old me

Ill say whatever the fuck I want because this is Twitter and not some uptight religious country like America.

I only check my Facebook out of spite

If you mock God's existence on a daily basis, one day your dollar wont work in any vending machines and you dont get a snickers.
-apparently

Im feelin particularly self destructive tonigt. Dealing with emotions constructively is for losers and happy people.

None of the other fathers at this Disney on ice show will make eye contact with me. They must have come here to die too.

Sometimes when im stoned I like to play drums with no pants on

If I cant think of anything funny to tweet, I go ahead and do it anyway.

If youre not juggling several sweet sweet addictions then youre a well-adjusted and perfectly boring jerk