Am I kidding nobody when I rotate between four different bars so that the bartenders don't think I'm a drunk? Related: Why do I care?

I screamed at two guys this morning who rang my doorbell, who then ran off. Not sure if they were Jehovah Witnesses or from Team Followback.

My boss knows I won't get any work done until my Valium prescription runs out. My plan for tomorrow is laughing babies videos on YouTube

I hate to admit this, but all day at work today I watched dancing eyebrow videos on YouTube: but I still consider my life well spent.

If a lady invites me over for some hummus on pita bread, I'm hoping that's code for crazy lovemaking.

A really good friend told me his idea for a graphic novel. So I killed him.

Good lord, I'm still hung over from last night and I've forgotten my name. Unfortunately, my Twitter username is not helping me remember.

My ratio of @ replies goes up when I am drunk out of my mind, but they're still funny, even when I'm sober. (Well, maybe not to you.)