When trying to adopt a cat it is not best practices to answer every question the current owner has with "i just need a cat today"

It's a very windy day in nyc. I hope the wind blows a kitty into my arms or whips someone's pizza slice into my mouth

#ThoughtsWhileOnADate is this a date?? am I on a date right now?? are we on a date together??

why do we park in the driveway but die fearful and alone?

"whoa look at all the pepperoni holders on this jacket!" - dude those are pockets. - "pawh... kets??"

every time I hit 'Tweet' I'm like "good luck little guy, you're in god's hands now"

GUYS IF YOU'RE DATING A GHOST DON'T CALL HER YOUR BOO IT'S PLAYED OUT #corny

YOU WANNA TAKE A PHOTO OF YOUR ADORABLE CAT, DO THAT SHIT, BUT KEEP YOUR BULLSHIT HUMAN FACE OUT OF IT

pff mitt romney?? how you gonna vote for someone that's clearly never tasted a Dorito.

if you're the fashion police, you HAVE to tell me

Farts are just the ghosts you accidentally ate escaping

if you die inside rite aid you die in real life

my screenwriting advice book "Aw F*** It, What's Up On Twitter?"

If you play the word Scrabble in Scrabble, for 24 hours you're legally allowed to kill a man.

yo fuck gender norms I named my testicles laverne and shirley that's what's up

my routine: walk around the gym clappin chalk on my palms and sup-noddin at my bros. got crazy palms. my neck muscles bulged as helk

just me, a real human man tweeting like a human man would

twitter is just an opportunity to imagine at people all day long

it was in calvin's mid-teens that the sexual tension between him and hobbes reached its fever pitch.

dang I lost a follower. should I tweet at them asking why? that's normal, right? that's not weird and manipulative?