Me: I'm actually happy right now
Life: LOL, one sec

I'm wearing skinny jeans. If I can't get them off, neither can the rapist

Warning: Condoms aren't 100% safe. My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus

When you gently toss your phone on the bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over 2 lamps and kill a cat

Should I feel a little strange being in a Poke war with my dad? It's close to, if not well over the border to incest

I wish I had firework tits.

Self diagnosing myself with Google has narrowed down my condition to flu, food poisoning, cancer, a brain tumor or a bit of AIDS

Day 1 of The Diet. Everyone looks like chocolate bars

No. NO! No. This isn't Facebook. No lyrics. Only 140 character quips about how horrible your life is. Dismissed.

I feel a little bad having made my grandparents sign for a sex toy delivery

You know you're doing something right when your account gets suspended

Having one of those plug my IV into a bottle of vodka days

Apparently it's not important to mention you're engaged before asking someone out on a date. Who fucking knew

I can't sleep like you. I'm not magic

Would anyone like a mouldy cupcake? I hid them under my bed a couple weeks ago.

I like my women like I like my toast. "hot and consumable with butter".

Nearly got killed by a speeding mobile library. Imagine being killed by a library

To whoever's been slipping prozac into my food #props

Maybe I can use my tears as lube

A moments silence for all the forgotten children in my client files today, may your junkie parent start acting like one