My milkshake brings all the ants to the yard. I dropped it.

Stop comparing Casey Anthony to OJ Simpson. Casey Anthony would have been terrible in the Naked Gun movies.

Personally, I prefer my funky medinas at room temperature, like a nice red wine.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're dead. We're all dead. We've collided with the moon and we're dead.

I'm a Twitter hipster. I love finding hilarious tweeters with under 500 followers and claiming I followed them before everyone else.

Just saw a mother goat and father goat fighting. God, I hope they stay together for the kids.

Jay Paterno: "The Holocaust is merely one chapter of Hitler's life"

"If you don't dock here, your boat isn't cool."- Pier pressure

As Westley and Buttercup's marriage progressed, every "As you wish" became increasingly bitter and sarcastic.

To the lady touching every bottle of water at the airport kiosk to see which is coldest: God hates you.

#15ThingsGirlsHate reductive hashtags that assume all females are one monolithic group that despise the same things?

Wonder how Fergie hides the bolts in her neck.

THEY TOOK OUR JOBBBBBBBS

I can't imagine how awful Old Jersey must have been.

How come only the white sharks are "great"? Shark racism disgusts me.

Just killed a fly in one swat. Placed its head on a toothpick in the window as a warning to other flies.

"If there's a problem, yo, I'll solve it."- Vanilla Ice, Attorney at Law.

FIRST GAYS KILLED THE DINOSAURS, THEN THEY CREATED BLACK PLAGUE, NOW DESTRUCTION OF THE AMERICAN FAMILY NEARS COMPLETION! HAIL GAY SATAN!

The more bumper stickers you have on your car, the less you have to say.

Seeing that bully from middle school now bald with two kids is a gift God gives you.