Maybe I like my fucking dirty mouth, Orbit gum whore.

I save fast food condiment packets to give to the older kids on Halloween who don't bother to dress up, but still bother to ring my bell.

I'm going to have business cards printed that simply say "Fuck You".

I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone.

You'd think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she'd be thinner.

Mommy is going out for a pack of smokes and a new life. Don't wait up.

I need like 4 more middle fingers.

Ugh! Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm chilling with these people in my phone? So fucking rude.

You found Jesus, I found Twitter. I guess we're even.

My garden gnome keeps ending up in the pool. That fucker knows how to party.

The only klout I give a shit about is helping other people on here get noticed. Pay it forward.

Your being offended offends me.

When I see weird guys shopping alone at night, I like to toss a box of tampons in their cart to make them appear less lonely at checkout.

Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets...

You look like a real prick. Followed.

Sorry I had to unfollow. I simply cannot have scripture in my timeline. It burns like a motherfucker.

I thought I wasn’t a “morning” person. Turns out I’m a “want no part of the entire day” person.

Work faster vodka, mama's got the shakes.

Someone just scolded me for taking a Xanax while drinking. Fucking amateur.

What the fucking fuck, lady? Shut your trap before I kick you in the fucking throat. I'm trying to be all zen here and shit.