A thong is like a barbed wire fence, it offers protection while not blocking the view.

Back off bitch before I light the fuse on your tampon.

Twitter: a game of wits involving drunk, horny, pot smoking idiotards dressed up in daddy issues.

Finally. A place I belong.

I just farted and it smelled like the delicious steak I had for dinner....I'm perplexed about my feelings regarding said fart.

Interesting fact.....my nostrils aren't the only orifice that can be stuffed and be dripping at the same time.......

I softly whisper "I can't wait to fuck you" to every old man I meet. Some of them hear me.

My vaca in Mexico was awesome. Just went to the bathroom and a sandcastle fell out of my vagina.

I'd give my asshole cherry up for a handful of bottom of the purse pills.

I kissed a girl last night that my brother lost his virginity to.....I've got to lay off the sauce.

When I said I'd eat you I meant gut u like a pig and gorge on your innards while your still alive. Silly bitch.

Is it racist if I discriminate against orange people?

*please send drugs* - drunk text I sent out to 20 random people last night. Including mother.

Guys just don't understand that in the end, all we want is someone to make us laugh.


Plus a big fat throbbing cock.

Remember Marlboro Miles? My mom died so I could have this nifty lawn chair WITH A BUILT IN BEER HOLDER.

Triple threat- I just shit, pissed and vomited all at the same time.

I know I'm in the wrong part of town when I start seeing pay phones.

I was either attacked by hundreds of slugs that left snot trails all over my body..OR..last night was the BEST NIGHT I CANT REMEMBER!

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.

Bloodshot eyes...killer smokers hack...runny nose...last nights makeup...who wants to fuck?

I'm old enough to know better and way too hot to care.