Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

Princess Leia taking a dump @(>_<)@

When a girl wants me to say those three words I go with "Empire Strikes Back" and if she doesn't cry she's a keeper.

I've been at some low points before and it was twitter people that pulled me thru.. Never underestimate the value of anonymous friends.

Fuck it.. I'm alone and bored as shit.. Let's get shameless.. Anyone who retweets this, I'll retweet their last tweet.. I know.. It's whack.

If anyone's interested.. I would be willing to trade my vote in the upcoming presidential election for an iPod Touch.

Wonder why it never occurred to Jesus to dine and ditch the last supper instead of sticking around and paying for everyone's sins?

Twitter mission statement:
Welcome to your new addiction.

Yoda is what Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia's kid would have looked like if they ever banged.

The true way to determine if you are a sociopath can be tested by admitting which side you root for when watching Star Wars.

If I had a time machine I'd go back to 2004 and make Mark Zuckerberg touch a real booby and forget the Facebook idea ever existed.

When your ex's life is about to turn into a glorious shit-show, sometimes the best thing to do is just sit back and watch the magic happen.

You know how sometimes you get your fill of stupid early in the day and the rest is just surplus stupid?... Yeah.. that.

My ex asked me which of the dogs I'd be taking with me when I move out... She took it badly when I said: Sure as hell ain't gonna be you.

Call me nuts.. but I never have the balls to make eye contact with the Salvation Army bell ringer guy.

Whenever someone asks me: Does that make me a terrible person? I always say: Yes.

Twitter accounts are like being in a cover band..some originals..some reworks of better songs. If the timing is right youre still a rockstar

I've heard it before.. I've said it before.. and I'll say it again: Bitches be crazy.

I just found out that being on Twitter is in violation of my parole for associating with undesirables.

This is the first Christmas in 42 years that I have been alone... Love is an ugly business, my friends... and yet, we live for it.