My "wrong side of the bed" is face down on the front lawn

People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

I spanked the monkey so much that PETA is now involved.

It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

After much soul-searching I have decided it's missing

The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

The number one cause of teenage pregnancy is sluts.

If you're "just sayin'" then just shut the fuck up

No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist

"We're just saying you could do better." - Parents of any girl dating a guy with a soul patch

I'm one bad relationship & 100 lbs away from becoming Adele.

You guys ever look at a cactus and feel bad because it's never been hugged?

Most of the time, I just agree with you to shut you the fuck up.

I'm pretty sure I don't even listen to people when they tell me their name.

Lets make out , have sex followed by a long deep talk , then get something to eat followed by sex again , watch a movie & yes have sex again

I don’t know why I bother going to the gym when I am so good at Photoshop.

I think I have gay roaches, they're coming out of the closet.

The best 2 worded statement that gets the point across without having to discuss the point all over again - FUCK OFF

I am working on becoming very rich but at the moment I am stuck at I.