If you change your Twitter handle AND your avatar, please give me a memory hook in your bio like "professional baby daddy".

Twitter is a place where we can all be alone together.

Remember Paul the psychic octopus? Unemployed since the World Cup ended, he's now on squid row.

If you find an S&M magazine in your kid's room, stay calm and whatever happens, do not spank him.

I plead contemporary insanity.

My neighbor just bought an electric guitar. I'm thinking of getting him a nice chair to match.

Old Italian chefs never die. They just pasta way.

It is very bad Feng Shui to be facing Kanye West.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one with unsecured WiFi.

Everyone is beautiful. You just have to squint a little.

In order to become licensed, a courtroom sketch artist must demonstrate the ability to make defendants look "shifty".

Italian candy king dies in bicycle mishap. I guess living life in the fast lane is only for Ferraris not Ferreros.

I'm so used to juggling several things at a time that I need at least three light bulbs in order to change one.

When you say you love me with every fiber of your being, I can't help but wonder if this was going to be a regular thing.

When you see the blind leading the blind, get the hell out of the way.

I'm not a great artist but I can draw any species of bird flying in a distance.

"You had me at Ohio," said a Japanese in Cleveland.

What kind of an idiot asks rhetorical questions?

I got a new credit card. Some banks never learn.

I love cooking with wine...um, what am I cooking again?