I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

FaceBook isn't so bad. Just think of all the people it keeps off Twitter.

I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

Don't call me creepy. You're the one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

I'll fuck your wingman just to shatter your ego.

Give a guy an inch and he calls it six.

I believe self-indulgence, depravity and the abandonment of ones dignity leads to some great fucking sex.

I am not an open book. You'll just have to settle for the pages I give you.

There is only one rule on Twitter. If you are ever arrested on camera, you are required to shout out your Twitter name.

I'd fuck you. Wouldn't tell anybody about it though.

I found happiness but I knew it wasn't mine so I left it there.

I like your religion just the way it is. Without me.

I think I'm in fuck with you.

Always cherish what you have. You never know when you will fuck things up.

Subway will now be serving 3 different size sandwiches. 12", 6" and just the tip.

Love is never saying wrong hole.

Heads you get tail, tails you get head.

Buying followers? I got mine the respectable way. Hot legs, tweeting like a whore and bashing religion.

When my therapist told me I needed to reach deep inside myself she apparently didn't mean with my fingers and certainly not right then.

After sex I always ask if they will respect me in the morning. Then I laugh and say "Like I would let you stay anyway".