My kids are adorable...especially when I'm drinking. They just get cuter and blurrier, and cuter and blurrier.

HIM:Do you flirt w/ guys on Twitter? ME: yes, incessantly! HIM: I don't like that! ME: It's getting you laid tonight HIM: Carry on

Don't believe everything you think.

So many fucktards.

So little tolerance.

I want you in a way which would scare most onlookers. And yes, there will be onlookers.

If you're going to suck caramel off a cock, it's best to have him hold your hair back. Trust me on this.

I've been a "lady" all day and it's about time that bullshit stopped!

I have both ADD and OCD.

So I've accomplished nothing today, but I've done it perfectly.

There is not enough alcohol in the world for me to tolerate you right now.

Twitter.....

Instead of confessing our sins, its where we brag about them.

I'm a whore & a lush. There I said it...what's step 2?

The feel of one hand grabbing my hair, the other on my throat as you place your lips on mine and take what is yours.

I blow my budget on shoes and not lingerie because they stay on longer.

Yeah, all your fucking kids are cute! Now, can we get back to the sex, drugs & drinking?

Nothing quite like a pregnancy scare to encourage anal sex!

Gentlemen, needy is NEVER attractive. Now, get your shit together!

Why do they put alcohol in glass bottles? Don't they know drunks are clumsy?

I've trained my children to bow and say "Oh Hail to the Queen Thin and Beautiful" whenever they address me. I'm a good mom like that.

As a mom, I say "potty" alot. I'm going to start calling it the "fucking potty" just to move them into adulthood.

Measured Pour?? There is no place in my life for that bullshit.