I met my perfect match on ePharmacy.com

“WAIT! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! RUN BACK! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! THE FUCK!”



~ Squirrels

It's not pretty being easy.

Broke a light bulb today.

Seven years of bad ideas?

Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under your wheels.

My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill.

My husband calls me a control freak.

BECAUSE I MAKE HIM CALL ME A CONTROL FREAK.

If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs™ with Socks.

And then kill himself.

If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

A pushup bra on an ugly woman is like a spoiler on a Prius.

Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...

I just sneezed so hard I'm now wearing crotchless panties!

I had too much to think last night.

A really cool bonus feature would be the ability to delete other people's Tweets.

It's not drinking alone if you have a Twitter account.

I lose followers the old fashioned way.

I Tweet.

Twitter is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always some one up. Also, someone fucked up.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I'm one intestinal parasite away from my ideal weight.

Everybody makes mistakes but being mean is a choice.