Every time a person uses "literally" incorrectly, an angel figuratively loses their wings.

Pittsburgh Penguins all wearing the "C" is the greatest show of team unity since the Philadelphia Flyers shared Scott Hartnell's wife. #C

There is no Italian food in prison. I am honest enough to admit that this is a huge factor in my law-abiding lifestyle.

Stanley up hampion Sidney rosby is our aptain with or without a oncussion. (See how unnatural things look when you remove a "C"?)

#C

Wouldn't it be cool if God would exclaim "Hot" or "Cold" while we walk around looking for our remote?

There's much confusion on racism. Here's my simple guideline: If you don't follow me back on Twitter within 5 minutes, then you're a racist.

I bet God remembers me as that guy who's always praying for a "Coconut Snickers".

I apologize to you, McDonald's employee. I was mad that you didn't have the McRib yet, but that doesn't make u a "pathetic whore". I'm sorry

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was putting the sound of a doorbell ringing ON the television." -Dogs

oh...OOH!! Am I the first person to point out the irony that we lost Andy Rooney ON THE SAME DAY THAT WE LOSE 60 MINUTES?!? #DaylightSavings

I bet women with great cleavage can special-order Egg McMuffins at any time of the day. So unfair. So very, very unfair.

If Steve Jobs had any sense of humor, he would have programed "Siri" to sigh after answering every third question.

Kudos to Kevin McClatchy for having the strength to come out and admit that he once owned the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Turns out the superstition is to throw SALT over your shoulder. All these years, I've been using the wrong seasoning. What a waste of thyme.

I really need Zach Parise to pick a team soon. After almost 48 hours, my kids are really complaining about needing to eat. #PariseWatch

If I like you and I see that your tweet's favstar last digit is "9", I'll star that shit even if you wrote that my mom is worse than Hitler.

After following so many people on Favstar, I'll now read a regular (read: normal) person's tweet and expect a punchline at the end.

Good night Twitter. If I die in my sleep, just know that I keep some useful tweets in the top left drawer of my desk.

I started a protest where I call a gold medal winning alpine ski racer and try to keep her on the phone. I call it "Occupy Peekaboo Street"

If I ever offer you a bowl of pretzels, you need to know that you will be eating the remainder of what was once Chex Mix. #TruthfulTuesday