I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail....

Weight Loss Tip -- Stop eating so much fucking food!

You know that little lump in your throat that you get when you are feeling sad and down..? Well, beer helps that shit go away...

Who's bright idea was it to build the gym right next door to a bakery? Fuck it smells good out here....

Fuck it... I think it's about that time of the day when I go walk around the office with papers in my hand and try and look busy...

Don't you just love waking up happy and horny? ..... Then you remember you are by yourself in bed and life sucks all over again .....

Man, if only 1 dollar bills could talk.....

Fucking Nerds need to hurry up with that 'app' that will let us kiss people through our phones already... Don't they want my .99 cents..?

Sometimes I don't drink enough... That's something to drink to... Cheers!

Summertime needs to chill the fuck out.....

So at midnight does my count for how many beers I drank today start over?

Anybody got a favstar trophy I can borrow? I'm trying to impress someone this weekend...

Where the hell is that damn yellow brick road anyway?

Wait a minute... I'm not the only person that hums that Def Leppard song while pouring some sugar into their coffee am I? Right? Hello?

Woke up and found the front door wide open with keys still hanging in the lock..... Sign of a okay night right?

Just got a text message that read "Guess what?". I replied back with "Fuck You". You think that will stop the stupid text messages now..?

Whoa, whoa, whoa..... How about a courtesy flush asshole.....?

Man, where would we be without drugs.....?

That fucked up feeling when you know you have a open beer somewhere but can't find it! ... I'm telling you it's here somewhere....

I really do want to wish everybody a successful and productive day..... of writing tweets of course.....