I think the oceans are salty because fish are sad.

My daughter surprised me with the where do babies come from question today. My answer was $5 domestic pitchers and whiskey usually.

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

I swear, the next person that says "how can you be single, you are sooo funny"; I'm pullng my pants down and showing them why.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

I'm so fucked. My white half can't dance til I get drunk, but my mexican half won't quit drinking til I can't walk.

My girlfriend is really getting into filming our sexcapades. The only thing I don't like is the guy she has playing me.

I hope my shower appreciates all the pineapple I've been eating lately.

After an ex-wife, a string of girlfriends, it took an 8 year old to teach me that holding hands just meant she was glad I was right there.

I'll go on a diet when they stop making delicious food.

I often mistake flirty conversation as an invitation to make dumb statements that convince you to never want to talk to me again.

I don't always drink, but when I do I don't fuck around.

My wish for all of humanity is that we could all be as happy as women in tampon commercials.

I remember when I was a kid, and still had feelings, and a soul, and stuff.

Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I'm just thinking about what I'm going to build with my Legos when I get home.

If you are one of those girls that save it for marriage, I'm one of those guys that gets married on the first date.

The thing I love most about my ex-girlfriend is the prefix.

Love is such a strong word. I would be much more comfortable ordering a meat-liker's pizza.

If you own anything with Winnie the Pooh on it, its probably not gonna work out.

If a girl likes you, but you don't really like her, you should probably hit that when you get the chance, cause you're an asshole like that.