Shoplifting is a victimless crime, kinda like punching someone in the dark.

I dont play by nobody's rules, i only play by my rules. Ah screw it... I dont even know my rules.

Just saw a dude on the sidewalk. His teeth so yellow, when he smiled cars slowed down.

How do i define courage: A fat ass babe coming to the beach in a bikini. If that aint courage, i dont wanna know what is.

I absolutely hate it when my dad tells me "the sky's your limit". He knows perfectly well that i'm scared o' heights.

Why doesn't the grim reaper ever show up when you owe a lot o' people money?

I've decided on becoming an astronaut so until then, i'll be wearing a diaper... You know, just for practice.

Real friends dont let their friends get drunk alone.

Anytime i watch Gossip girls, i'm reminded that i have a high tolerance for pain

I hate tattoos so much that i got one which says "i hate tattoos".

I really hate when a mosquito stalks me... There's no intrigue cos i already know what it wants

One thing hollywood's taught me's to always pick up a baseball bat whenever i hear a sound in the middle o' the night. Sadly, i dont own one

Imagine my disappointment when i found out that High school wasn't all about weed and drugs.

If not for twitter, i'ld probably be on my way to Narnia right now.

Weddings without a drunk best-man making an awkward toast is quite simply boring.

Him: Dude, do u know wat a bomb looks like?
Me: Of course! Its just a cannonball wiv a sign that says ACME on it and a fuse at the top. Duh!

When i see some pple's tweets, it tells me they got bout as much direction as a broken compass. Its surprising they found their way here.

So if the devil had a twitter account and he only favs ur tweets, does that mean he sees you as his heir apparent or you're just hilarious?

Anytime i see an inspirational tweet, i just wanna flush it down the toilet cos hey let's face it... Its a shit load o' CRAP!!!

I always feel sexually harassed anytime i watch women playing soccer. Probably because o' all the balls they kick around.