I'm getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".

Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

Scuse me, maam. You must not be aware of the No Pantyhose With Sandals Act of 1988. You're welcome.

I had sex on the plane today!
Well, I gave him a blowjob!
Ok, he put his dick in my face.
Fine. A guy put his carry-on above my seat.

New followers: If one of you is my son, don't fucking follow me. We talked about this.

Clicking the star means:
Right?!
I understand.
I agree!
That's so sick.
Hilarious!
I'm listening.
Oops.
Star me back!
Let's fuck.

I get a lot of my cardio by speed-walking around the house looking for my wine glass.

WTF is a cup of raw asparagus? Next this fucking diet will tell me to eat 4 stalks of powered sugar. A bale of jello. 32 inches of chicken.

The vacuum cleaner is my cat's Vietnam.

Them: 911. What is your emergency?

Me: Someone stole my thunder.

Slept with an awesome guy!
Well, he seems amazing.
OK- I don't really know him.
Fine. Man on the plane next to me fell asleep & so did I.

Shout out to gas stations on the right.

Just used sandlewood-scented massage oil on a squeaky door hinge. Your move, MacGyver.

Easy on the hashtags, newbie.

Parenting Tip: Don't give your old laptop to your son without deleting the porn sites off the browser history.

It must be so relaxing to be stupid.

Masturbation is not a spectator sport.

But thanks anyway.

I'm excited about my brunch date tomorrow!
Well, it's sort of a date.
Okay~ It's an appointment.
Fine. Pest control spray at 10:00 a.m.

Bristol Palin is just a Kirstie Alley waiting to happen.

At that delightful point in the relationship where I act like a fucking wackjob to see if I can scare him off.

Now we wait.