FUCK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

You don't HAVE to laugh while using a flamethrower. But I mean, why the fuck wouldn't you?

Listen lady, I don't know why I'm in your kitchen in a rabbit suit either, calm the fuck down before we all die.

According to this voicemail, my grandmother has been at the airport for 5 months.

My neighbor calls me Captain Kirk because I Shatner pool

I know when I've had too much to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking."

Who wants to go to walmart and show off our teeth?

I like you but not in a sober way

Gay jokes are so immature. Cum on guys, we're better than this.

Anyone else go up to the casket and whisper "you're dead to me" at funerals?

One time I was starfucking this bitch so hard, her bonus features fell out.

It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I'M UNAPPROACHABLE?!!!

Accidentally backed into my neighbor's car 53 times this morning

Kid found my sandwich bag of what we now call *mistletoe*

If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.

Are you gonna suck my dick or what??

Her - Sir, this is a bank.

Whenever I RT something it's because I was impressed. Funny or not. You should try it you selfish cunt.

I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and shear lack of common decency, that you an I could be best friends in no time.

Some of you bitch more than this girl in my trunk