YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realdonaldtrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.

A baby just smiled at me and now I want... Nope, it's crying now. Nope.

Going to church doesn't make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?

If someone from real life asks if you're on Twitter, play dead.

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.

Who's the dick responsible for the spelling of "salmon?"

if you don't cry when trying on bathing suits, then fuck you.

North Carolina didn't vote on an "issue," they voted on the private lives of other human beings.

My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.

I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

When I was 5, my brother told me to call my grandmother a pussy fart during thanksgiving. I did, my uncle choked & had to be heimliched.

When a girl begins a sentence with "honestly," buckle up for the bitch ride of your life.

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

Sometimes I get nervous I haven't done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I'm OK.

Venus Williams pulled a groin muscle, which is code for "hurt her dick."

You don't have to break my heart to make me cry. Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

My land line just rang. What should I do?