You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the shit hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.

The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That's 15 minutes, right? I'm not reading too much into it?

C3PO: I'm on 3rd. Ben's on 1st.
R2D2: You're not on third!
C3PO: Are too.
R2: I'm Artoo!
C3PO: Who's on first?
R2: Obi Wan
C3PO: He won?

I'm completely against cruelty to animals, but if you can kill two birds with one stone... man, shit, that's pretty impressive dude.

I'm gonna start unfollowing people in real life. In fact, the courts are demanding it.

Health tip: There's never a 'safe' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. Never.

I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

Well¹, goodnight² Twitter³

¹ Look at me, look at me, I'm polite!
² I'll be on for another two hours at least
³ Whoever the fuck you all are

I just can't bring myself to join in and say C*NTS like all the other cool kids on Twitter. Altho*gh, It co*ld be the fa*lty keyboard.

If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.

Just a reminder to men: Don't make the bed too neatly or do the dishes too thoroughly. This is a group effort guys; don't let the team down.

God I'm glad chicken breasts don't have nipples.

I plagiarised all through college, but I'm not stupid enough to pull that crap here on Twitter. This shit is serious.

By the time I manage to actually say my safe word, only dogs can hear it.

Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A. Whichever of the two was male.

If a spider gets bitten by a radioactive teenager does it become super sulky?