Reasons I drink:

1) Because.
2) Because.
3) Because.
4) Because.
5) Because.
6) Because of the wonderful things it does.

Alcohol bottles should have cute little fortunes in the bottom like "Nope, happiness wasn't in this one. Please try again."

My safe word is: Let's make a baby!

Besides cock, my favorite thing to blow is Things Out of Proportion.

“Congrats on Your New Baby” cards are just a nice way to say “Sorry your vagina hurts from shitting an alien. Good luck for the next 18yrs."

Cuddle me.
Nuzzle my neck.
Kiss my cheeks.
Play with my hair.
Touch me so gently.




Then hit it like a fuckin' champ.

If she’s amazing, it wont be easy.
If she’s easy, it wont be worth it.
If she’s worth it, you wont give up.
If you give up, youre not worthy

My mom asked if I had a living will *just in case*. I said, 'No, I doubt everyone is going to fight over my porn & dildo collection'

The first blowjob I gave was in a barn.
Lost my virginity in a car.

I'm shooting for a wedding at a bar & giving birth at a public pool.

I just met a 16yr old with twins & I was all "I bet you wish you woulda let him cum on your tits" but it came out "Sorry your life is over."

Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where I get off" then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married.

I've gotta say, my mouth does a pretty decent impression of a vagina.

I'd rather have BRUTAL HONESTY than be fed sugar-coated bullshit with pretty sprinkles.

Its silly they dont put a towel down or anything when those pornstars are squirting all over the place. A real waste of a good couch.

A hot guy bumped into me at the bank & he goes "I'm so sorry!" so I said "Next time grab my boobs!" then we both laughed.

His wife did not.

While I'm blowing you, in your best Mortal Kombat voice, be like "FINISH HIM!" before you cum so we can high-five and be soulmates.

I'm a sucker for a good licker.

Shhh... Don't cry.
It's just a typo. Their, They're. You'll be ok.

Anyone know of a good Dr. that can remove my feelings, emotions, hormones, give-a-fucks & tear ducts? Or would that just be a Sex-Change...?