I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

I changed my name on Facebook to No One and spent all morning liking statuses so that it'll say No One Likes This.

I just read a Facebook status that was so good I had to Google to see which tweeter it was stolen from.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain't done one. ~Lay-Z

Sarcasm is my 2nd favorite kind of asm.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

You ladies realize we can see tits all over the internet, uncovered, without even having to ask… right? This is Twitter… show us your wits.

Karma Sutra: When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills b/c you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to "fall asleep right now."

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

I wonder if ladies who trim their bush down but leave their asshole hairy realize that all they've done is create a fuck mullet.

Police in England are looking for a teenager who was caught having sex with cows. Apparently in England, love is a cattle field.

The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

When men brag about sleeping with sluts I picture a pile of shit bragging about attracting flies.

My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."

I just tried to make a donation to the Tourette Syndrome Foundation and they told me to fuck off.

There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.