If you don't allow a woman to be herself, eventually she will be, without you.

My two year old just stepped on a Lego and is crying.

CHECK MATE, BITCH.

My dog just threw up all over my other dog & my 2 yo had a leaky ass explosion in his highchair. Simultaneously.

This is my suicide note.

Potty Training Day 87: SHIT WHERE EVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!!!! I QUIT!

If your tooth to gum ratio do not meet at a happy medium, it makes me fairly uncomfortable to watch you smile. Please stop.

Autism is not a "handicap". The handicap is the incompetent parent who doesn't comprehend it enough to bring out the best in their child.

I hate my ex-husband so much, not only did I get the tattoo of his name covered, I also got new tits because he touched the old ones once.

I'm fluent in English & Spanish. I also comprehend Portuguese & Italian.

Your move, unemployed white people talking shit about immigrants.

My two year old just said "me and mommy" .... I couldn't help but think, "It's 'mommy and me', dumbass." Well. At least he's good looking.

Irreconcilable differences - You have mentally exhausted me and not my vagina, I want to fuck other people. Sign here.

Women, never lose YOURSELF despite marriage & kids. Your image in the mirror should always be BEAUTIFUL.

You hear me, grumpy fatties?

Nothing irritates my butt hole more than a lanky skinny bitch calling a woman with thighs ass and tits FAT. She's a WOMAN, you hungry bitch.

This teen girl just called me "ma'am". She must be unaware that the boy holding her hand is jerking off to me after he fingers her tonight.

When I hear a grown woman say "yummy" I automatically picture her with a shot of semen dripping down her chin.

Revenge is best served cold with a side of indifference and success.

You know those fucking cunts who just.....

OMG!!!! Be right back! I forgot to give my son his nose back when I put him to bed!

Mom - "Your femininity diminishes when you don't wear make-up, you're not naturally pretty you know."

Me - "Suck my DICK"

I'll see your cum dumpster cooter pics and videos and raise you my dignity and vaginal elasticity. WHORE. :) TROPHY THAT, BITCH.

Potty Training Day 145: He pooped, grabbed w/ his hands put it in his potty & said, "MOMMY! IN POTTY! BOOM!"

Fuck him, you guys. FUCK HIM.

I can't say "I hope I don't offend anyone.." without rolling my eyes.