Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.

A vegan atheist walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, are you a vegan atheist? Just kidding, you've mentioned it like eight times already."

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

Just so we're all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can't make a cell phone call from my basement.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they're trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

Wow. Ok. I've gone too far.

It's never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she's on a whole other level.

It's only a matter of time before my ex-girlfriend comes crawling back. I still have her wheelchair.

If you call Children's Services on a stripper, it'll be like taking baby from a Candi.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone's jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Do you guys think James Franco and Ryan Gosling meet up once a month just to high five each other?

I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

Is PMS really that bad or are women just ovary acting?

SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN! DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN! SPINS A WEB, EATS HIS KIDS!

I'm still not convinced that Jack White isn't an elaborate Tim Burton experiment.

It's humbling to think that regardless of how far technology has come, the solution to fix my internet is still "unplug it and wait a bit".

Salma Hayek sounds like something you'd yell while doing karate.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.