Hell hath no torture like that of a friend reading his unpublished novel out loud to you. As I just found out.

If hate could be measured, the units would be called AT&Ts.

I thought sitting around in a bar drinking beer was a waste of time until I tried sitting around in a bar drinking non-alcoholic beer.

I wasn't worried about the teabaggers' attacks on the liberal agenda. But what if they team up with the rugmunchers and the cornholers?

I walked past a place called The Taste Tickler, & I assumed it was a sex shop. It's a cafe.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Yes I do.

If pigs could fly, I'll bet they'd fly United or Delta. Pigs don't need much leg room and they don't care if their food tastes like dirt.

How rude. My neighbor just told her husband that I'm a busybody. It's not my fault the walls are paper thin when you put a glass up to them.

Just received an anonymous report that someone has "damed" a nearby creek. I suspect bavers.

I keep having erotic fantisies where I lie on my back and do nothing all day long.

OK maybe that's not totally erotic but I get off on it.

Well. That was a surprise. Turns out when you get a high colonic, there's no weed involved at all.

Why 70 virgins? I mean, even a baker's dozen seems like kind of a lot.

Don't you think it'd be hot if we all had eyes on stalks like crabs? Me neither. But staff meetings would be more interesting than this one.

My hotel room has a pink lepord print robe in the closet. Like I'd really wear something like that.


It's actually very comfortable.

What if all the people with no eyebrows formed a mighty union?

We'd all be creeped out.

And I'd make a fortune selling eyebrow wigs.

You can't always get what you want.

But if you try, you might get so depressed that you'll be apathetic & it just won't matter anymore.

What happened to the nerdy guy who recorded "You have mail!" for AOL? I'll bet he goes door to door after the postman, hoping for tips.

Well. Leaving my copy of BDSM For Dummies out on the coffee table wasn't quite the turn on I thought it would be.

The crappy chimes at the nearby church sound like an ice cream truck on its last legs. Seems like a cruel way to lure kids to church.

Ahhh. Nothing better than hot sex on a Thursday night.


Or so i've heard.


Anyhow...back to Cartoon Network.

Nothing says "I'm never boinking again & I just don't care!" like walking around with a metal detector.

Can you buy those online?