If you start to feel bad about your twitter addiction, just remember that people actually play golf video games.

If I got a tattoo that said "I hate needles," THEN would you let me into your ironically elitist hipster club?

Things That Need To Stop: Your raking addiction-- If you pick up that rake again, I'm leafing. (More things that should stop: this tweet)

Life Tip 34: Don't take life tips from someone on Twitter

”I'd tap that” -me, trying to help someone fix a stuck vending machine

Having twitter on my phone is like having an unsuspecting entourage with me at all times.

The way I pay taxes is like the way I have a healthy lifestyle: I don't.

Stop attempting to include me in conversation! I'm trying to tweet about being lonely!

"WHERE ARE YOU???" - me, to my left sock and hopes and dreams

Guys, I'm declaring my major! I'm majoring in the field(s) of Your Mom! #maturebeyondbelief

Too bad instagram doesn't filter out insecurity.

I like to check my mailbox when there's not enough emptiness in my life.

Turns out that crossing guards DO NOT appreciate being included in impromptu two person conga lines. Who knew?

Somebody called me a twitterhollic today and to prove them wrong I decided not to tweet about it oh shit

If you're not reading this, I just want you to know that I don't like you.

If you really want to be a gentleman with swag, wear a top hat with a doo-rag or something. I don't know.

When people hold serious meetings in common spaces, I like to run past them with my arms open, yelling "WHOOO I'M A BIRD! I'M A PLANE!"

I like to flatter people. So when I sit with new people, I stare at my feet and lisp-whisper "Wow. I've never sat at the cool table before"

Sometimes I see people with really awesome pants and want to be them. And by "them," I mean the pants. #creepytweetin'

Wait, I forget. Do you put the swag on before or after the footie pajamas?