I put a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

Its only premarital sex if you get married.

I bet we don't have unicorns because they were fucking delicious.

Twitter suggests I follow a Kardashian... did I do something wrong?

Yeah. So. I follow you because your avi. What of it? You wanna fight? Or make out? Whatever.

Twitter is my news channel. There was an earthquake and that girl's a cunt. Stay tuned for further developments.

Any sexy bitches want to shack up for hot sex and a mediocre living?

this Twitter game is great. It's almost like you're all real people. Crazy.

I'd take your deep life quotes more serious if you weren't fifteen years old.

I came in 2nd place in solitaire.

My spirit animal is a cheeseburger.

Eggplants are liars.

If you look for misery, you're sure to find it.

A tweet-up sounds like a great place to get stabbed.

Shit! My 5000th tweet was about rice pudding. Could've been something great. Story of my life.

Just left my house without my phone like some kind of heathen.

I gave up Lent for new years, so I'm good to go.

Live Subtweeting. Formerly know as mumbling under your breath.

I am so sober right now it's ridiculous.

If you were here we could tweet about loneliness together.