Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!

Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.

What if birds are just out of control napkins.

"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.

Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.

Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.

I am out of breath. This is the hardest I've ever laughed. This is it, guys. It has all lead to this moment. http://t.co/1ugVjWwB

Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %