My GF's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about ur daughter.. It was her handwriting"

Can you put a Gay Guy in a straight jacket? And if so, will it work?

"Obestiality" --What its called, when hot skinny girls.. fuck-fat ugly guys

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Helped a homeless guy move today... I picked up his vomit and threw it across the street.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Went Whale watching in the mirror today.

Just saw Stevie Wonder shopping for blinds.. but i don't think he noticed me, or the blinds or the fact that he was at McDonald's. i'm high!

"CockBlocker" --A fat guys stomach

Joined Match.com... And all I got was a lit cigarette

"Food Stamp" --A Tattoo that a Fat Ghetto Girl has on her lowerback.

Only 144,000 jehovah witnesses are getting into heaven... So if you do the math.. that will be the largest game of musical chairs EVER!

Someone just DM'd me asking "HOW MANY RETWEETS ARE YOU GONNA DO".. As many as I like! And If you don't like.. then unfollow and block me!

"You know Jesus Loves you, right?" --The last thing my Priest said to me, before he tried to get me to suck his dick.

I fucked the shit out of Jenny Craig in the parking lot at Weight Watchers. Then I made her buy me MacDonald's and watch me eat it!

"I swear I'd never hurt you, and promise I don't bite.. So don't be afraid to use me".. --The Retweet Button

Is it bad if your girl knows the size of your friends dicks from smallest to biggest?!

Eli Manning looks like he suffers from Fourth Down Syndrome.

"9/11? isn't that 7/11's older brother?" --Sara Palin

"Mickey Knees" --What I call my GF when she's blowing me in the bathroom at McDonald's