I stopped by the neighbors house to see their newborn baby. Thank goodness I didn't wake them.

Right before I die I'm going to swallow 3 cups of unpopped popcorn, then have myself cremated.

Even if Jesus pulled into my driveway today and pulled some wine/water shit, I'd still look at my penis size and question his motives.

What's your best pick-up line? Mine? "If you ever wanna see your mom again, get in".

I could have prevented my grandmother from dying by administering CPR, but I find the taste of my cum, Poligrip & Pall Malls kinda icky.

I don't give a fuck who you are, there is no way you can walk down a really steep hill and look cool doing it.

You know that awkward silence in the elevator? It's like that when Mom & I are in the shower together, but in all fairness her mouth is full

I've been jacking off furiously for the last 20 minutes only to look down and realize I've been tugging on a skin tag on my leg.

I don't mind paying for sex, but why does mom charge me as much as everyone else? Even my brother gets a discount. #frugalfucker

When I piss around my friend, I always make that joke about how deep the water is. He doesn't laugh cause it's in his Jacuzzi.

I can only enter codes from my Light n Fit yogurt once a day. I spend the other 23 hours trying to match my blouse to my vagina.

If you're a hoarder or extreme couponer, go murder someone so we can hate you for a more respectable reason.

Why is it when you buy something you have to say "No" 14 times to shit like warranties, etc? Now I know how women feel when I talk to them.

I just received an award at work. They appreciate how efficient I am at masturbating at my desk while talking to my friends on the phone.

If Twitter represents life, then I'm that punctuation you leave off to get in under the 140. That's fine, I started as a missed period.

She was so cute with her little turned up nose and blue eyes. I'm going to miss her smile....at least until I open the freezer door.

I built a robotic vagina. Basically it's a shop vice w/ a sock glued to it and a rape whistle that goes off when I'm close by.

My Twitter dating profile: Male, 39, White, Non-Smoker, No Kids, Shitty Income, I probably won't kill you if you shut the fuck up. Call me.

If my testicles were representative of atomic weight, then I'd be packing hydrogen. (think about it)

Things were good until I said she could use my face like a toilet. It's been 2 weeks, but grandma can't stay mad at me forever.