Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

I'm pretty sure a life coach would just bench me.

Day 4: Looking for an exit at IKEA.

Before there was auto-correct there was my mother.

My therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues.

So we hit him.

My ideal weight is somewhere around 20 years ago.

So, I assume the tweetup in North Korea is off.

I wouldn't know narcissism if it came up behind me me me me me.

Just gave my pharmacist my holiday wish list.

Well, if it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal.

Everything is microwavable if you have a thing for firemen.

Lance Armstrong probably has both balls too.

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.

Proudly waving my American flab.

My greatest fear is becoming one of those people that wave outside The Today Show window.

I love that new Pope smell.

Sometimes words just aren't enough.

And that's why we have middle fingers.

Monica Lewinski is rumored to be shopping a tell-all memoir about the inability to orgasm, hopefully titled "Close, but No Cigar."

Don't know much about eating healthy, but I've never gotten food poisoning from cake.

The last time my body was swimsuit ready I was wearing water wings.