How does one complain about an incompetent gardener without sounding like an asshole for actually having a gardener?

I would probably watch a movie called "Mystery Poop."

if you're asking me if I can tell you what ethnic descent Napoleon came from, the answer is: of Corsican

This isn't working out so let's try to keep it going forever.

Oneness contemplation can't be Oneness contemplation while maintaining dogmatic beliefs.

I am waiting for a formal statement from Dave Coulier about his position on stem cell research

Some of history's greatest monsters had beautiful penmanship.

Just stole this poppy and put it in my hair cos I'm a GD renegade pic.twitter.com/YtSunHv8H1

*listens to Yeezus while walking in the rain, drops don't even touch me*

Wear converse to the gym so people know you're serious about looking like an asshole

blow jobs aren't fun and anyone who says other wise probably isn't as much of a lesbian as i am

Lesbian couples be all like "Let's go on vacation every weekend" and shit.

I wrap the past around my neck like a scarf as I walk through present time. It weighs on my shoulders and gets caught on everything I pass.

You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip because of the thick exoskeleton and sharp pincers they use for protection.

there are some people out there i bet who think animatronics are really cool. well guess what bub you're wrong as hell that shit's scary

There are somethings you just know. Somehow, some way. You just do.

call me old fashioned but I've been alive for hundreds of years

Man, Ma Fratelli looks good for her age. pic.twitter.com/pT0q381gB3

@doththedoth Apologies for oversharing. It's this kind of thing that's ruining my moribund Edward Gorey mojo.

In the end, the only real choices are maggots or fire.